To my love on his 5th birthday

I wish I could describe to people just what it feels like to celebrate your childs birthday when they are no longer here. It makes me sad that another year passes and he is further away from me. Many of the days of the year are extra hard for me, we try to keep Conner's birthday a special and happy day, and I will try this year for that as well. The day Conner was born was one of those days that I will never forget (not even the second that my dear husband told me my butt was huge when I was walking to the bathroom in that ever so flattering open backed hospital gown - yes Carl, I wont forget that) But Conner's entire birth experience was one of those life changing moments. I was induced 4 weeks early and really only had about 9 hours to get prepared that he was going to be born, and since he was early we werent sure what to expect. We had fears that he would have to go to the NICU, and he didnt. Having 3 children, I can say with confidence that his birth was the most amazing! I have never experiences such joy as the day that he came into my life. the other day when I gave my medical student presentation, One of the questions was "how has this experience changed you" In short this experience has changed every facet of my life and changed who I am down to the core. Everything about my life is different - some good and some bad, but most certainly different.

Sometimes I fantasize about they way my life was supposed to be - 2 boys one in first grade and the other getting ready for kindergarten. My boys should be beating each other up, and tearing my house apart, there would surely have been broken bones, and stitches - and instead I have to find words of comfort for my 6 year old who cries because his brother died. Life just sucks sometimes. I just miss him so much and its hard to not be mad sometimes.

And all at the same time while Im angry, Im happy that I am able to cherish life differently now and make the small stuff count. I am thankful that I got the chance to be a parent again to an amazing little girl. Thankful for so much really.

So on Monday my sweet Conner would be turning 5 years old - We love you and miss you so much baby boy!

Avery is 17 months old :)

Avery is 17 months now - cant believe it! She is almost surely saying dog (or her own version of "duh") and she barks now which is super cute! she gets into everything, and I do mean everything! Brenden is doing super in school and we are all very excited for our cruise! Ready to escape this cold weather for a while! The condo is coming along nicely and we are starting to get estimates on the bathroom.

I did my medical student presentation yesterday on Tay-Sachs at the Univ of Maryland . this is my 4th year doing it and I really enjoy it! It was a great way to honor Conner for his approaching 5th birthday on Monday. We miss him so much everyday!

Avery 16 1/2 mos

In the first pic Avery is showing off her Touchdown sign, hopefully she will get lots of practice at this weeks Ravens game! We have our outdoor lights covered in purple!!

She is into everything and developing quite the little temper! As you can see one of her favorite activities is standing on the broiler drawer. Her ear infection never really resolved, so we are on round 2 of antibiotics - and hopefully tomorrow she will be feeling better.

Brenden got an award at school today for being so good! So proud of him!

It's 2010...or is it 20010?

Boy things have been crazy around here! Both the kids had ear infections and respiratory infections. Stinks, but really this is Brenden's first ear infection ever - so thats not too bad. Then on the heals of them being sick - I came down with a bad case of Strep - 2nd time this year. I truly cant remember when I had strep last, as a kid Im sure, now twice in one year - yuck! I felt horrible, but now with the help of antibiotics, Im much better!

Christmas is my favorite holiday, this year was great. Avery was a little interested in opening her gifts, or at least tearing the paper up. She got lots of girly toys!! Her favorites are her doll stroller and a pink chair from Pottery Barn Kids.

Avery has added hitting to her agenda. She mostly smacks Brenden and he gets the most bites too - lol. She is still not talking, though we have taught her how to bark which is super cute! I do believe she is saying dog.

Brenden's top toy picks are Wii games, his DSi, and hot wheels track. Our house feels like it's exploding with toys!

We spent New Years weekend in Deep Creek where it never stopped snowing . The picture shown is one I took on our way back home. Brenden got to 4 wheel in the snow, a highlight for sure, and try skiing for the first time (NOT a highlight) In fact, Brenden was not a fan of skiing and it was bitter cold and snowing which didnt help at all. Hoping to get some pictures of the kids soon, but it's just too cold for me to go outside...brrrrr.

Brenden wrote the date on his school paper - he was so proud of himself for writing 20010!